For Felicity (19.06.1996 - 22.08.2011)

I'm not finding this Posting all that easy to do Dear Friend or Welcomed Visitor.

I have tried a few times to open my Blog Door to enter and do a Post, but instead I went wandering Visiting other Blogs. Sometimes I left a Note that I'd been. Sometimes I simply perused for a while and left, thankful for the time away from my own feelings.

Then yesterday I found in my Mail a Gift for Felicity Created by Cindy of  http://bugsafari.blogspot.com/ and http://mythingsnstuff.blogspot.com/  
        The finding, the gesture, has helped me do this physical Farewell for my beloved Felicity.....

         Cindy I am discovering is becoming a very Special Friend for me and my Critters. My words are inadequate to express my appreciation.

        One can admire another, but to find that very Person extends Friendship is truly Special. I feel Special because of Cindy. Thank you Cindy.

        One of the miracles I am finding with being a Blogger is the experience of Friendship.

        Bloggers have the intrinsic ability to extend an ethernet-hand across the cybernet universe and catch you before you fall. I find this happens consciously with knowing or intuitively without knowing. Either way, one can find one's self lifted out of depression, away from feeling lost, and most special, is the feeling of being given a deep sense of being worthwhile.

        My thanks also to my Treasured Friend Laura from http://forestwalkart.blogspot.com/ and http://forestwalkart.com

        Laura wrote me a beautiful encouraging and supportive letter in response to mine letting her know about my beautiful Felicity's time to leave physically had happened.

        Laura's words gave me the courage to complete the first step of preparing the Farewell Post for my Felicity I had tried to begin beforehand and failed.

        I also extend my deep appreciation to Rick Watson/Life 101 from http://dorahighschoolalumni.blogspot.com/.  I came to my Blog to discover Rick had become my 13th Member. A true surprise and very unexpected.

        Rick's timing showed to be the 23 August, the day after my Felicity had been Euthanased. Most auspicious. Also a pure example of a Blogger's intuitive ability to give and to care without knowing.

        The interesting aspect to Rick's gift is in being my 13th Member. 13 in general Tarots represents Death, not always of the Physical, but in this instance yes. Also associated with deep change for one's Soul. Which for me without my Felicity still being physically part of my Life means exactly that.

        Thank you very much Rick. If you read this, you will know your timing has been very Special. Also I deeply appreciate you felt my Blog worthy of Acknowledging by being a Member.

        Before going any further.....

                                        Cindy's beautiful gift For Felicity....

         To continue reading......

        Cindy has turned a simple special photo of Felicity into a Work of Art. I have put a copy of Cindy's beautiful gift onto an SD Card. I am having it enlarged into a Print I can frame and see everyday, everynight.

        I look at it even now and know I made the right choice on Monday the 22nd, even if I came emotionally apart when the Vet gave us our appointment for 9.45am.

        The Sunday had been a difficult day and night, with Monday morning really not much better. Felicity had difficulty walking well, even though the Bowen treatment she had on the Saturday made a huge difference for her back legs, the right front leg was not supporting her properly. It would spasm, leaving her paw with insufficient feeling for her weight.

        On Saturday Felicity began not wanting to walk down the stairs to go outside. It was a sometimes yes and sometimes no. The only way was for me to carry her down. And that was risky for both of us.

        There are 11 rather steepish steps to descend. I am about 153cm/5ft in height and my weight moves about between 40and42kg/6.2and6.7stone, so there's not a lot of me, and I'm not quite as strong as I used to be.

        Though Felicity was at the time very fragile and gaunt, a Doberman is not a small Dog even with her weight being only about 20kg/3.15stone, maybe less, she really was very thin. So heaving her up and hoping I'd get us both down safely was a challenge, but we did it... yay!

        But, I was concerned with how long I could keep doing it. My right shoulder was already having problems, and of course, with each heave I wrenched it, with each journey down the steps I made it ache more. Amazing what one does when the need arises.

        But by Monday morning the answer was right infront of us... it was time. Her beautiful face looked so tired. Her body was uncomfortable for her to get up or lay back down with. Walking steady was a challenge. Round her mouth the fur was almost white.

        I had also discovered a hole in one of her teeth behind the canine which made eating uncomfortable. Though I was treating it, her teeth were not good at all, which on their own would have felt dreadful.

        I had begun putting her rice, vegetables, chicken meat, chopped chicken carcass and dried rice food into my Blender and turning it all into a paste which she enjoyed immensely. That helped bypass chewing difficulties, and though I expected to be cleaning runny messes when accidents happened, to my surprise, what came out was moist and well formed. Looked like her body digested the 'paste meal' far better than when whole. Relief.

        But we went Monday to the Vet. Thankfully a Wildlife Carer Friend came with us, and because of her generosity I was able to pay for the Euthanasia. Without our Friend's help, Felicity would have had to wait until about the end of September for me to have sufficient funds. I really believe, as did the Vet, the wait would have been awful for her and for me, and cruel.

        When I look at Cindy's gift, I see Felicity having become aged and remember the contrast to what I saw when I looked at Felicity's Euthanased Body, though looking so peacefully asleep.... she had become truly old and thin. During August Felicity was daily deteriorating, and that is what my Felicity is now free of.

        What a vacuum exists where once Felicity moved about. 15yrs and 2mths we physically shared. I'm wandering about a bit lost. I'm suddenly not cleaning up accidents, constantly washing bedding, having tantrums when it happens repeatedly, then chastising my self for being so horrible and apologising to Felicity for me being intolerant... after all is said and done... goodness knows how badly incontinent I may become if I reach the grand age Felicity did.

        The past 12 months have been an enormous journey in discovering how to find new levels of patience and tolerance within my self.

        Laura wrote me that to go ahead with this Post for Felicity would be therapeutic... and it is. I am pulling together the threads, accepting the truth of what was needed to happen, able to express my thanks for the support I am given.

        I do have one huge disappointment though, and that I will need to work on, especially if I am to continue being of any value to my other Critters who need me to get through this grieving, and are being utterly patient with me.

        I am disappointed that we were unable to have a Home to rent with a Verandah for Felicity to have enjoyed when not outside. But in that, I just have to breathe in deeply, and accept we do not have a verandah, and it is something we still have to cope with.

        Our Geese and Hens are fine enjoying the Outdoors daily. Our Cat is fine as she just wanders in and out at her leisure.... But as for me and the Doves.... well unless I can get us all down those steps, which I really have given up on doing, toooooo risky, we are still stuck with utilizing windows and the doorways for Sunshine, Fresh Air and Views. And in that, we are in essence fortunate.

        On the Sunday, when I could see I really needed to begin thinking seriously about Euthanasia for Felicity, I experienced a 'Seeing' of my Samoyed Shanna.

        Shanna passed-on during 1990 I don't often see Shanna. Shanna I'd describe as a Mae West type character, Samoyed style.

        She was unperturbed by me mentioning Felicity may bite, but I thanked her for coming to assist Felicity.

        Early Monday morning I fleetingly also saw Felicity's Dad Czar, also passed-on.

        When we arrived at the Veterinary Clinic and were ushered into one of the Clinic's Rooms... there on the wall, I saw larger than Poster size, a magnificent photo of a Samoyed! I emotionally felt bowled over. Wonderful confirmation Shanna was present and ready to assist Felicity.

        Felicity coped beautifully, the needle prick ouched and she said so, and then really quickly it was over. No more ouchies, no more struggling to walk, and she left still being able to see and hear.

        I did think it would be nice when the time came if Felicity would simply pass in her sleep.... but then I also thought it is better that she is awake to go. I had this feeling if she went in her sleep, she would keep trying to wake up physically. The way we shared, feels okay.

        When I returned to the House... I wandered about feeling empty... but also relief merged in too. More than once I would hear certain sounds and spin to see... of course she physically wasn't there.

        But I can see her now, I can feel her moving about with me. She's well and vibrant again.

        I really believe if one could see my Energy Field it would be Black and Rust, and if one looked again, one would see the reason why.... Felicity is moving about, resting and being near me. My 'Feeling' and 'Seeing' her presence as I am is helping me.

        Though I feel rather lost... I would rather be 'seeing' Felicity as I am from within me, than to still be seeing her very weary, uncomfortable physical body. I am glad I can see a little of what is probably Ethereal Worlds, whether imaginings to some or real to others... for me I feel and see what I feel and see... and am thankful. 

        Thank you for Travelling this long Journey with me For Felicity and very much for me... I'm concluding this Physical Farewell to Felicity with a photo my VGA phone 'Blacky' did in January 2009...

        My Felicity, looking well, being out amid the Land, as she loved to be doing, assessing the Scene ahead... it is how she feels within me. Contented, waiting for me to do things she can join in with.
        I also sense that Felicity is considering moving on... knowing she can return, knowing I am open to accepting her presence... just maybe she'll go for a run with Shanna. Meet other Family Members again and become acquainted with those she never met.
        I will always Love you Felicity.... thank you for your Friendship.

With appreciation and love to
Friends and Visitors for your time
from Magda, and my once Physical Felicity.

        I'm adding a little extra before I finish...
                On the Monday, before returning after Felicity was physically no more, I wandered about Town, doing what needed doing, I ended up at the Library... and began wandering along the aisles, feeling it would help to find something to read. I really didn't know what I wanted... but as I travelled the shelves, not really seeing clearly any Titles or Authors I stopped...
        'Those Who Save Us' I read. On many levels the Title resonated. Picked it up, browsed the back. A Story set in WWII Germany about a German Mother and her Child and felt, yes, this feels fine. Didn't really know why. Just felt fine.
         Curiously, I discovered I could find no inside information about when published. All I found was Canon Gate, and a sticker with the ISBN Number and code numerals for re-ordering.
        The Story was written by Jenna Blum of German Jewish descent. 'Those Who Save Us' is her first Novel, and she teaches creative writing at the Boston University.

        So the Story has personal significance for me. Then as I Journeyed I began to register... Thuringia in Germany.... Weimar... Felicity.... sure enough. I checked my researched notes... Apolda is in Central Thuringia and the Capital of Weimarer Land District.
        Apolda, the Birth Place of the Doberman.


         I don't know where in Germany I was made after WWII... but both Felicity and I shared and share our origins with Germany.
        Dobermans came into being after the Franco-Prussian War during the 1890's, and I was made after WWII at the end of 1950.
        Rather special so much personal energy surrounding us both on this sad as well as release day. The Story was powerful too. Not easy, but feelable. Ancestral Connections for both of us, and I suppose Grounding for me.


         1890 1950... 60 years between the Creation of the Doberman and the Creation of me.... and I've recently turned 60.
         I have a thing about numbers.... I begin looking when events coincide... I like to see if I see why the connections are flowing.

         When I posted for Felicity's Birthday, I was late... I just kept not getting it done... but eventually I did, late though I was.
         While filing when finished here, I felt a stirring seeing the Posting date achieved for Felicity's Birthday and returned because.... it added to 13.
         The date for this Farewell to Felicity added to 22.
        I mentioned the significance of 13 earlier.
        And 22 is seen as one of the Sacred Vibrational Numbers.
        Though 22 is not meant to be brought into a finite state, I am, because both, finite to 4, Stability and Peace.
        And Felicity's day of Passing was the 22nd.

        Felicity's day of Passing adds to 16... The Tower... the upheaval of great change.... finites to 7... The Chariot.... travelling and clearing the Past from within, to be able to move forward and heal.

         For me, those moments that link, interconnect, flow and show significance are when I believe the most Beautiful of Energy is present, doing what it can to give assurance for one to know one is felt, heard, understood and cared about.
        Our Living Living Planet, amid Our Living Universe, feels each of us I am sure, and certainly flowed with caring and help for Felicity, and for me and the rest of her Family in our time of personal and emotional need.

Thank You

If you haven't, but would like to read a little... well it is a long Post... about Felicity which I did for her 15th Birthday, it is with the Label...

 Being a Family Inspires:  "For Felicity's 15th Birthday" - 30 June 2011

 (active link, if more convenient)

Introductory Image is from - 

   http://www.animated-gifs.eu